Loneliness is a strange thing. A dangerous thing. A slow consuming poison that has the power to eat away at you without you even knowing it.
I grew up in a house full of humans. On top of being the only girl out of five boys, I have a thousand cousins and as far as I can recall, there has barely ever been a day where my grandmothers house was not full of people. And so as I child I learnt what I call “The art of being alone in the midst of crowds”. I didn’t have the luxury of taking some time out to lock myself in my room when I needed space because I didn’t have a room of my own but also because the mannerism of retreating was not allowed at home. So I became a pro at timing out in a kictchen full of people and escaping into my own world. I mastered the art of retreating while surrounded by noise; both beautiful and sometimes chaotic.
And as it would happen, this is something I carried with me into adulthood, except it took on a different form. I consider myself a warm, inclusive human being who makes friends quite easily. I am incredibly being on creating authentic connections and also intentional about pouring into the relationships I build. I have probably said this to a friend or two in passing…I sometimes find myself overwhelmed by this feeling of being alone. I sometimes feel so alone, I feel my heart breaking at the thought that it might be more true than I would like to admit. And I guess what makes it harder is that it doesnt quite add up, doesnt quite make sense in my head. How does someone surrounded y such an amazing army of men and women feel the way that I often feel.
I sometimes think that this art of retreating in the midst of people has somehow led to my doing life alone without realising it. Hence why I am where I am today. I don’t quite know how to undo it. I don’t quite know how to invite the army of amazing souls that surround me, into my heart-space. Though I also sometimes wonder if nobody sees, if nobody hears my loud silent cries
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.”