One minute I am fine. Really fine. I am happy. Hopeful. Rested. Balanced. And in the wink of an eye, the walls of my heart feel as though they are caving in. Crumbling. I am not quite sure what I am doing here…Breathing. Showing up. Smiling. Loving. Laughing. Occupying space I don’t feel I deserve.
WHY? WHAT IS THE POINT OF IT ALL? THIS LIFE?
I mean, all I want to do is scream, pack my bags and skip the country. Get a new name, a new mind. All I want is a new heart. A fresh sense of purpose. I want to pick up the phone and call my mom but it’s not an option. What do I say that I haven’t said before. How will I break it down when I don’t understand it myself. I need a hug. A big warm tight hug, a lingering hug…you know, the one that allows you to hold onto someone until your heart feels warm and alive. Safe. I want to break down and cry. Except, unlike every other day, I don’t want to cry alone. I need the presence of someone who wont feel the need to fill the void in my heart, someone who wont be uncomfortably alarmed by my tears. I want to want to live. I want to want to be here. Inspired. Purpose driven. But I don’t.
I am fine. I am just tired…or so I thought…