But even if He doesn’t

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it. But even if he does not, we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” — Daniel 3:16-18

In a season that has felt draining, chaotic and destabilising,  I have found myself questioning the relevance of God. I have found myself questioning whether it really is enough to have faith in the tough seasons. I mean, I am not sure I even know or want to know what it means to have faith.

I walked into this year craving newness. Fresh revelation. Something I have never felt or experienced before.  And slap-bam, the faith that has always been the foundation of my being suddenly felt as though it had no weight and no depth.

I don’t quite have it figured out but what I have come to know is that Faith is an active and intentional practice.  Trusting anyone, let alone God, will always come with a little bit of effort on my side. There are moments where God won’t show up for me. Or at least He isn’t able to show up in a way I am able to recognise.  There are moments where God won’t pull me out of the fire, moments where I won’t get that job I have beeeeeeen praying for, moments where every relationship of mine will crumble and fall apart, times where my finances refuse to add…Each of our moments of need will look different.

It is in those moments that I have found myself with the conviction of having an “Even if He doesn’t” kind of faith. Faith that holds on in the fire. Faith that holds in dark times. Faith that stays when all I want to do is pack my life away and start afresh. Faith that trusts. Faith that believes.  Enduring faith. Patient faith. Faithful faith.

I am learning to be okay with my wobbly faith. Learning to understand God differently. To build my relationship with Him, His way. Learning to accept that even if He doesn’t, He is still God. He remains faithful. He loves me. All of me as I am. That, even if He doesn’t, His heart is for me, wants the best for me and is always orchestrating things together for my good.

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