I think its safe to say that this has been my life theme for the longest time ever. Learning how to lean in. Learning how to reach out.
I did that the other day. I was feeling like an old raggedy rag walking around with emotion that I couldn’t bear to carry, mostly because I didn’t understand what was going in. So I decided to be stupidly brave, step outside of self and reach out.
Before I carry on, I need you to get this. I wasn’t reaching out because I needed help, attention or some extra TLC (Or maybe I did need that). I was reaching out because I just needed someone to listen to the heaviness I was carrying. Not for them to carry it with me or for me. Not for them to help me fix it. I just needed to cough it out. the problem with all of this is that I didn’t understand what I needed until I had coughed and the response I received was one I couldn’t handle. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want someone to ask me how I am holding up because I had no answers in me.
Sounds crazy and selfish now that I think of it but all I needed was someone to know that I was nearing the edge of myself and let that be that.
I want to give you my hand but I don’t want you to hold it. I want you to love me but from a distance. I want you to be there for me but without suffocating my already stifled heart.
Everything in me wants to lean in and everything in me wants to run away.
I want to so desperately invite you into the home that is my heart but only if you can come in on my terms; Be there without being invasive. Comfort me without needing to know why I stand broken. Love me first and ask questions later or maybe never.