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New words over my heart

The thing about playing small is that is doesn’t require you to take risks. When things  dare become uncomfortable you can easily walk away. Shrinking is cowardice wrapped up in fear, being shy or lacking confidence, you know, all the words we use when we make excuses for not stepping up to the call.

Un-qualifying myself from all the scary things I want to do, am called and gifted with, has become a thing of mine. Have you ever gotten comfortable with the smell of shit. Enjoyed the smell of manure. Talking yourself out of purpose is just as easy.

There are a number of things that I have been wanting to do for the longest time ever and I will sit and plan everything to the T. When the moment of execution arrives, I go into what I call my “low self-esteem,  not good enough, are you serious, you possibly couldn’t pull that off”, database. In that moment, all that runs through my mind is why I can’t and why I shouldn’t.

There is no one that has the power to build or break you down, as much as you. No one. People can influence and shape many parts of you but no one can decide for you. And so for a while I became the chief critic and bully in my own life. Until one day when I was listening to this song (It has become my everyday every morning song) that speaks about the things we say to ourselves and unconsciously call on day in and day out.

I have always been a positive person. I have always been the girl who sees the best in others , expectantly waiting for the rainbow after a massive storm. Life happened in the most unexpected way and something inside of me died. The always burning light in me, switched off and everything in me shifted. Suddenly, I had to learn how to be mindful of the conversations I was engaging in and my thought process.

Giving permission to self is a mandatory life skill. And so my journey for the past couple of weeks has been about learning (AGAIN!!!) How to be gentle with self, to lean into love and grace, to rebuild and redefine self. Allowing self to be human. To embrace the mess. To confess greatness over self and not feel as though I needed to apologise (I don’t know to who) for desiring more. And so I have been reminded that running away, playing small or shrinking, doesn’t and cannot dis-qualify me from Gods purpose for my life. Its delays the process yes. Results in unnecessary detours at times. But it doesn’t give me permission to give myself a red card.

I asked a couple of friends to send me weekly life messages, to help me re-write and replace all the nonsense in my database. To stop a habit you need to replace it with something else. It’s a journey. There are days when the waves hit the rocks. Dark days where no life giving word moves me. And those days are okay. But I also have days where I am able to step out, to not today Satan, days where I force myself to see the good even when nothing in me believes it. Days where I call on God and recite bible verses I didn’t even know I knew

Imagine being the ring leader of negativity and destroying self? Ha! Not in this lifetime. It may have been a chapter in my story. Today I am allowing self to live with a different intention.  A new found strength. A god breathed upon purpose.

Writing a new story over my heart. Repeating a new confession.

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