Faith as small as a mustard seed – Ha! That is all the faith I have had in me for the past, I don’t know how many months. I think I have reached a point where for the first time in my life, I don’t know how to believe, don’t know how to pray and don’t know how to trust in God.
It’s a scary place to be at. It hurts – there are moments where I literally feel my heart aching. It’s weird – Waking up and not being able to call on the Great I am because there is a huge part of me that doesn’t believe He hears and cares for me. The funny thing is that when I need to pray for others and petition the heavens on their behalf, best believe God is alive then.
These days I can be found questioning things I shouldn’t be questioning, simply because there is no answer to them. I find myself paralysed by the state of the earth. Where is God in the chaos of it all. Where is God when in the endless pain and suffering? Where is He in the despair? Where is the Great I Am when women are being murdered like chickens day in and day out. Where is God in the violation of our souls?
I guess I am struggling to reconcile the Strong, omnipotent, almighty author of life and love with the state of the world. If not Him, who is protecting the daughters from the vile nature of the men He created and breathed life into.
Faith is a heavy cross to bear – It feeds your soul with Hope and light only to be shaken by the chaos that is life. I often wonder what my faith has been based on exactly, maybe it is I who created this fictional image of God and His supposed role as the Father.
I am confused by a lot. I am not sure what it is I am standing on. For now, all I know is that my heart is bleeding and the one place that has always been a place of refuge, no longer feels safe. The once unwavering faith that kept and sustained me, no longer holds For now I can only hold onto the fact that this season of my faith journey is as it should be. Painful, confusing, hard but needed.