My therapist recently said to me, “You know Ntombi, you are a strangely magical being. So kind and loving yet extremely walled up with hints of arrogance”. I expected this statement to be a shock to my system but it wasn’t. See, I have always been aware of my oddness when it comes to giving and receiving kindness.
I could sit here and write about all the reasons I am the way I am but that’s not the point of this blog post. I am sharing this part of my heart because I want to unshackle myself from this underlying fear of unworthiness. It comes in different shapes and forms and it has found a way to strategically hide itself in my life. It sucks. It’s annoying. The truth is, who the hell do I am think to love, pour out and be willing to go all out for the people I love when it makes me awkwardly uncomfortable when someone dares to do the same for me. Arrogance. Elements of brokenness yes. But levels of arrogant love .
So I am on a mission to help me, help me.
I am teaching myself how to say yes. I am teaching myself how to say “please help me with…”. I am starting off with the easy things, i.e. not real life crisis mode just so that I am able to ease myself into the journey. A friend of mine said she was coming over to visit last week and I asked her to please bring me some chocolate. Small and silly, right? But the important thing to note here is that I asked. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s a courageous step. It’s about resting in the notion that I don’t have to be superwoman, not every day. In the weeks to come, I will be sharing stories on demons that have secretly claimed space in my life. Demons that have become comfortable and build up house to the extent that they form part of the glorious rubbish I call “It’s just the way I am/ have always been”.
This is me.
This is me deciding to be intentional about my growth, being brave and bold about leaning on and reaching out.
I am but a scandal of grace, meandering through the streets of mercy. I can occasionally be found swimming towards the oceans of love that keep whispering and calling my name with every breathe I take.
And today I am choosing to visit the garden of my heart, weed, prune and plant new seeds.