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Allowing self to become undone

This year has been a year of learning how to fight the many voices in me that no longer serve or rather that will not serve in this season of life I am stepping into. I have punished myself for so much. I have tormented the parts of me who felt as though were not stepping up to the table. I have punished myself for not being good enough, for not being the girl who has all of this figured out.  I have punished myself for all the times I felt like a shoddy sister, friend, granddaughter, employee, child of God…you name it. I have even tormented myself for being happy. Because how dare I be happy for longer than a week 🙂 🙂

I cannot remember a time in my life where I have allowed myself to be nothing short of great. At the tender age of 25, I somehow expected myself to have the wisdom, strength and life experiences of a 40 year old. Yes, I have lived and have gone through experiences that have at times felt as though I needed to have a heart of steel to survive. I had to step up and grow up at a very young age and as a result learnt how to protect myself and stand my ground, even when I didn’t have to.

It’s often said that too much of something is not good for you.Too much independence can be a form of self-sabotage if one is not careful.

Towards the end of last year my therapist asked me to highlight a couple of things I wanted to give myself with and this is what I came up with

  1. To journey and travel through life, light.
  2. To have more ice-cream dates with friends
  3. To never let a day end without laughing, at anything. And yes. There are days when  I can be found laughing my heart out, all alone. Simply because it’s good for my heart.
  4. To allow myself to be loved. All of me. As I am.
  5. Buying myself scented candles, body butter and some fudge every once in a while.

 

The power of this list has been revolutionary for my heart. And in the words of one of my friends, Basheera, who doesn’t wanna have an ice-cream date with me 🙂 YOU HAVE TO BE INTENTIONALLY NICE TO YOURSELF. MAKE IT YOUR JOB TO BE KIND TO YOU!!!

One of my all-time favourite quotes says “See the light in others and treat them as if that is all you see”. These days, I am learning to see the light in me and to treat me as if that is all I see. Now that is another dimension of love.

Love in its purest form.

And when nothing else can move or change me, I am undone by my resolve to transform. To unlearn and make room for the uncomfortable new things bringing my heart to life with each new day.

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