A very dear friend of mine, whom I call Braveheart 🙂 My silly wise nugget, once said that it’s important to pay attention to what you pay attention to, for the simple reason that meaning is found in the things that we attach meaning to. So whatever consumes your thoughts is what you have chosen as a priority in your life. What grows and thrives in the garden of my mind is ultimately my responsibility.
I have recently found myself pondering on what it is exactly my attention is fixed on. And for a while all this entailed was me observing my thought process and the associated feelings all of this came with. I have always knows myself to be one with a busy mind but I was quite shocked to discover how many thoughts run through my mind in any given go. At times, a single thought can consume me in the most unimaginable way.
If you know me, you will know that I am all about growth, development and being in a space where I am constantly challenging myself to be better…my way. In turn, what was triggered was a journey of self-discovery and what I dare to call the beginning of my awakening process. And I quote, Change is hard in the beginning, messy in the middle and glorious in the end. I have experienced the hard and am now I am swimming in the messy ocean of it all.
There is something about paying attention that draws and reels you into the depths of self. I hate to admit it but the saying “You make time for the things that are a priority to you”. The things I thought were important to me were not being reflected in the way I spent my time or in my thought process.
I spent so much time worrying about other people and I have given up on trying to justify that because that’s just the way my awesome self has been wired. I spent so much energy mulling over failed relationships, bashing myself for how I couldn’t be a better person; sister, friend, daughter, niece, employee. And as a result I found myself drowning in a pool of misery and too many days that left me feeling like a shit human-being. This called for me to go back to the drawing board and to begin creating the Ntombi I want to be and the Warrior Princess I would want to spend my entire lifetime with.
These days I can be found in the glorious mess of my awakening journey. I can be found doing and pursuing all the things that set my soul on fire; singing my heart out, dancing on the side of the ride, snail walking in the rain, breathing, breathing and breathing. I can be found pouring and annoying my friends with love. I can be found laughing and being silly. I can be found on my knees, praying. Praying when it hurts and doesn’t make sense. Just praying and being still.
From my heart to yours: Stay awake. Keep the garden of your mind clean and colourful or bland – whatever is important to you. People will sometimes try to walk with dirty feet in the garden of your mind. PAY ATTENTION.
Pay attention and make room for only the things you can control, that you can change and let everything else be. When all is said and done, YOU are RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU. YOU are the gatekeeper of your soul. Guard it well. Pay attention to what you pay attention to. Steward the different areas of your life, well. May your life be a manifestation of everything you want and need it to be.